My Fat Cat

Every time I am home, I think about travelling. But every time I am at some hotel while travelling I think about being home with my fat cat. She sets very clear boundaries. No hugging. Don't move too fast and too close to her. But when the evening comes she sits down next to me on the sofa and lets me pet her. She loves to be rubbed on her stomach, her fluffy beige patch. She then flips onto her back and while purring, she intermittently extends and bends her front paws. She relaxes me. She calms me down. She makes me feel the coolest and the most powerful being in the world. She inspires and motivates to create. She participates in my yoga and meditation practice. As the best in the family would, as the best friend would. She understands everything. She knows when I need her support. She knows when to walk away. Occasionally scratches the beep out of the sofa...preferably, incredibly early in the morning.

Tatara Triptic, 2019

Although, I feed her and take care of her needs, I am not 100 percent sure who takes care of whom. She makes me feel needed when I feel lonely, she brings a smile to my face when I need a cheer, she purrs when I need to know that it will be ok.

When I come back home from a travel, she lets me hear it. When she hears my voice in the front door she starts! She meows like she wants to say, "where the hell have you been! Do I have to do everything in this home!" Then she lays down by my head and purrs all night long till its time to wake up and open a fresh can of SHEBA in a flavour of seafood pate to be specific!

I am convinced that cars have been put on this planet to take care of us and keep this world a better place. Cheers to all cat lovers!

Hello! Would You Buy A Zodiac Sign?

Today, my very good friend and I went out to the world to sell some of my art that has been in the dark corners of my studio for way too long. I took out my 12, well 11 Zodiac signs and went  downtown Toronto to see how it would sell. At first, we sat in front of the City Hall where I thought I would meet with some connoisseurs of the souvenir world, the tourists. I am one from time to time and I know I'd rather choose to buy original art over any piece of plastic produced in China any day! Therefore, with a great confidence and a pure heart I went out to the world.

Zodiac Sign Collection

Some smiled and passed by. Some knelt before my art and scratched their beards in a deep, deep thought. Some politely declined. One stopped and said that she didn't understand in Japanese. I jumped right in and explained to her the theme of my drawings. Unfortunately the one she wanted was sold on Saturday. Only one pretended not to see us when we said hello. There is hope!

Today On The Subway

Hurry! Hurry! We got to the bottom of the stairs at the subway platform. Yes! We made it to the train that has just arrived. We entered through one entrance but got to the other in search of a free seat for my son. We spotted one next to a big black man who took the out seat. My son politely said "Excuse me" a few times but with no result. I repeated but the man didn't even move. I noticed he couldn't hear us because he had earphones. I gently tapped him on the shoulder and repeated "Excuse me".

Moldavian Babushka, July 2019

The tall, muscular man turned slightly backwards to entirely face me, took out his earphones. But still didn't move his knees to let me son to the inner seat. He swung his arm even further back and now his face was looking right at me. "And where will you be sitting", I heard. Right away I thought that he was one of those fanatics that think kids should give up their seats to their parents even though their parents feel strong and capable and comfortable enough to stand up. That was my immediate thought but he made it clear for me very quickly. I answered that i am just perfectly fine standing up but if he could only let my son  in that would be splendid. His sharp and unapproachable face lit up and he became a nice stranger. "Oh I see!", he said with a smile, " I though you wanted me to give up my seat", he added opening up some space for my son to get to the seat. He loosened up and said "Thank you!" while smiling at me. At the same time my knees when soft on me and I went numb with a very uncomfortable feeling. Very, very uncomfortable feeling.

I am

I bought a book today from the Self-Help section. In the first pages it is asking me to contemplate on who I am. Here I go then! I pour out my heart in front of you. And when you are reading this, ask yourself the same question. Contemplate. Who knows what you might discover and learn from it! Find all the labels you have been putting on yourself.

Atlas, June 13, 2019

First and foremost, I am a mother. I will be a mother forever and a day. With pleasure. With love. With dedication. With sacrifice. Firmly, yet lovingly, a mother first!

Secondly, I am an artist. I began as an artist in my mother's womb and I will die an artist. Then, I lay down in my coffin as an artist. Gentle and strong, extravagant and economical, eccentric and timid, rebellious and compliant. Always with a fragile and loving heart turned towards people and this earth.

Thirdly, I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am yours to share love and compassion. Just make sure you don't hurt me. I am fragile. In words of Julia Roberts, "I am just a girl asking you to love me!" I need peace and harmony to glow and grow. My ways and my words might fail me sometimes but I only have love for you in my heart!

This is who I am today. I am satisfied and happy the way I turned out. Could have been worse! Acceptance is part of our self-love. Self-love creates love for others. Love for others is success.
I accept. I am.

Peace and Harmony, my friends!

Bicycle Day Memory

Last week, on June 3rd, some of us celebrated a Bicycle Day. On the radio they were asking people if they remembered their first bikes. I heard some stories from famous and not so famous people. It made me think about my first bike. And now I want you to reminisce about your first bike.

Hummingbird, May 2019

I am the youngest of three kids, that means that I rarely had new things of my own. My only defence was that I was the only girl my parents had, so they were forced to buy me new furniture, new clothes, new toys, new school supplies. I had some serious hand-me downs from my two older brothers. I remember, my beaten up record player, my accordion, and yes, my first bike. It was not entirely my own bike. I could change and adjust its seat height all I wanted when my brothers were not using it. Everything else belonged to my older brothers. This bike was old, used up, painted dark green not because my brothers loved that colour. It was an old bike which they had bought second hand from one of our neighbours. And that ugly dark green colour was there because that was the only available paint they had. So there was my bike. The one on which my parents learned to let go of me for the first time. Their only daughter, their youngest, their baby was independent from that first moment I learned to lift my feet off the ground to pedal, to propel ahead.

I always felt I had the ugliest bike of all my girlfriends. They had nice blue or red bikes with big wheels and new steering handles. But my ugly dark green bike had two small wheels, two pedals, and still got me where I wanted to be. So don't dread about what you have, but how it serves you. I was young at the time and didn't understand the wisdom behind it. I guess I am slowly growing up.

Memories Lost But Some Things Remain

I don't remember the address from my childhood. What's left is the image of the second entrance, fourth floor on the left. 16 years of my life is reduced to that knowledge. Ulica Matejki. Street decorated with a name of one of the Polish greatest painters. My street. Chestnuts on the sidewalk.

I don't remember my classmates' names from elementary school. Lots of stressed and worried but well dressed for the photo day kids. And the corner of the photo is ignorantly cut out. I remember cutting it out because there was a photographer's assistant who made it to my class picture! I still feel he ruined it for us!

I don't remember the names of streets I walked with my friends on cool evenings of summer vacation days. We would cross my little town back and forth looking for other friends or free plum that just fell of trees along side walks.

I don't remember the colours of Polish Golden Autumn. I crossed that park a millions of times coming back from high school. Picked leaves and chestnuts, chased red squirrels, cried with rain. That's where my friend and i concocted a plan to go to Acting School after finishing Maturity Exam. Fate had it planned differently.

I don't remember the smells from my mom's pre-Easter kitchen. I do remember how busy she was before. She baked and cooked for an army, but there was only four of us.

Sunflowers in Spain, March 2019

I remember the first bite into that "cream ice cream". I purposely say cream and not vanilla, because there was no vanilla in my childhood ice cream, but boy! What an amazing ice cream it was. Looked like butter, wrapped in silver paper with a sign "Lody Smietankowe".

I remember my neighbours doing spring cleaning. Massive amounts of people on their balconies obsessively washing windows, their kids beating on carpets to get rid of dust, ladies washing hallways on all fours.

I remember the smell of the bookstore at the end of August. Full of all fresh notebooks, erasers, pencils, markers, bristol boards. Otherwise half empty most of the year. Full of unwanted, sad school supplies. and bored sales-ladies hanging over the counters.

I remember being mesmerised by simple decorations on church Christmas trees. They would sparkle and give out silvery flashes of light as they turned in the mix of cold and hot air of the Midnight mass. And me sitting in a pew. I wore my burgundy corduroy pants that had been sent to me from my cousins from Canada. I felt like a million bucks!

Some things I must let go to remember some things. I try to hold on to them as if I was a hawk coming back to the nest with a nice catch of a still moving, fresh flesh. It is precious and life giving.
One of the memories is this painting. Once upon a time my husband and I crossed Spain on our bicycles. I still have a lot of memories that linger on and wait for me to work up the courage to get them out into the daylight and come to your monitor. I remember how we cycled around many gorgeous sights. Sunflowers, lots of them. Farms and olive trees, black pigs, sheep shepherds and their dogs, storks. Hot and dry air. Lots of sun. Not a drop of rain. And in the distance, whenever we stopped to look back was always something to take our breaths away. Views to be painted. Views to be written about. This one I carried in my memory for almost 14 years.

Would I Do the Same?

Finally, it is Saturday. My son and I just finished shopping for our family movie night tonight. We call it a party and it is a big family tradition. And now we are standing in a line up by the cash register to pay for our brie cheeses, Polish hams, pickled cucumbers and other goodies. We try to stay away from chips and other processed foods for the sake of my endless diets.

Blue Crosses and Dots, 2019

In the line up I make a small conversation with a nice lady behind me about the things she is buying. I see on the register belt nice chocolates and a few very nice boxes of tea. I ask about the tea because I am not sure if they are tea boxes or tea holders shaped like very fancy king crowns. I personally think they are very cool-looking and would make amazing gifts. It is my turn to pay. I bag carefully all our items as my son passes them to me all arranged according to their weight. The cashier turns to me and gives me my total. I make a payment by tapping and slowly get ready to lift the bag and leave. Suddenly I hear my son, "Mama! it has been declined". Whaaaaat! Can't be! I am ashamed, puzzled and crazy angry, all at the same time. All my blood rushes to my feet. I cant see anything. I want to curl up in a small ball and disappear. Damn! Quickly, with the last sane thought I call my husband to clarify what happened. Ahhhhaaa! We can't transfer any funds in the account til tomorrow! OK, by now I am all red, burning with shame. The store is busling with crowds of shopper. I am sure they are all watching me! What do I do?? I left all my other cards home. Today of all days I took only my phone. Why? I ask myself! I really don't know what to do? I don't want to leave all my stuff here because this store is too from home. I won't get another chance til next week to get these treasures! I decide to lose my mind and claim sanity!!

Then, just then and only then, there is a voice. Don't worry about a thing, I will pay for you. The voice comes out of the nice lady's lips that is in a hurry to buy her chocolates and tea holders in a shape of king's crowns. I look at the monitor. It is $24.09. This is no gum! Really? No! I can't let her! Really? She pays for everything and leaves me speechless. I observe her face, study her. I want to know if she is for real? Who is this person? Where is she from? $24.09 is not a dollar or two! I let it happen and at that same moment regain my hearing, feeling, sight and mind! I can't thank her enough. IN FACT, how do you thank someone for such a selfless act? Just how? The only thing I can think of is to ask her for her phone number to keep in touch. She doesn't hesitate to share her information. That's it! I knew it! She is an archangel I read about last night. I hear they can take a human form to help people in their hour of deep distress. I kid you not, I was in distress. I cannot compare it to a moment when you run away from a chasing you Bengal Tiger, nevertheless, the distress was very close!

Moments after this terrible event, I am driving away in my friends car thinking how possibly I can give her back her money, so that she never losses the goodness in her heart and faith in people. I text her to share her email address. As soon as it is possible Irina will get her e-transfer. I thank her a few more times and send her big red heart. She texts back, "You don't need to thank me. You would do the same." I sit there with the phone in my hand thinking if I know any other expressions for "Thank You."

I have no doubts I met an archangel. She saved me. She taught me a lesson how to love people. She made me think if really I would do the same. Now yes! for sure!

Human Kindness in 2019

So it's Wednesday. I decide to walk for an hour and a half to get to the newest Japanese store. I walk and I slide all through sharp wind and icy temperature. I keep going but every time I pass a frozen bus stop I turn around to see if there is a bus in vicinity. Nope. I pass a couple of bus stops where people waiting for the bus look like pigeons in the cold. All bunched up together, hooded heads hiding in their shoulders, waiting in silence and with patience. I have no patience in this weather, I keep walking.

Shakespeare, Ontario, 2019

I walk as far as the path takes me. It ends at the construction of the new subway system. They closed off the pedestrian side walk. I must cross the street. From here it is only one intersection. My body is warmed up from all the walking but hands are frozen. I can't wait to turn into that driveway. I see the store listings at the plaza. Here it is Momo, my Japanese goods source. Oh! But what's this on the left? An Asian supermarket? Must go in! I am going in! I decide to buy only togarashi, Japanese red pepper and herbs mix, and dashi, soup base. I am all out. Must buy! Three shopping bags later I exit the supermarket, all happy and sweaty from all the excitement! Finally I don't have to go to far ends of the city to get all this stuff! I walk out to finally face Momo. However, as I am getting closer, I see that the parking lot is suspiciously empty. There is another lady with me who just pulled up with her black SUV. She looks very happy and warm in her long fur-looking coat. I take a look at her because she is a beautiful lady maybe in her fifties. She looks very well taken care of. Her blond her cut in a bob suits her so well. She has a very gentle, lady-like look.

I pull on the door handle. It doesn't open the door. On the contrary, it bounces back in a protective gesture. Hmmmmm! Shaise! I hear the lady from the car. "It is not open yet! They open at 11." That's it! I walked in this cold all for nothing? But with all this stuff there is no way I can wait in this cold. I make a joke and tell her exactly my plan. She laughs. I see that she is opening the door to her car, so then she will wait. Not me. I pass her car but hear her say something. I am thinking that it is definitely not to me but i turn around anyway. She is talking to me. "If you'd like to sit and wait in my car I will be happy to do that?" OK, now I am blown away from this earth and back. So kind people still live in 2019!! I am ecstatic and if I wasn't so far away from her I would hug her. I kindly decline her amazing offer. I make sure she knows that this was an extraordinary thing to offer to a stranger. I express gratitude with all the expression I have in me.

So little, yet so much! She offered such a small thing to a stranger, to wait in her warm car. Yet, so much, these days. Not too many have the courage these days. I think about it. I ask myself. Would you?

Happy New Year 2019, my dearest and the loveliest! May it be the best so far for all of us!

All Aboard

At first, I see a small dot in the air. Then, a short line with a light on it. Finally, it becomes clear when it is making its last turn with the landing gear out. I imagine all the people aboard twitching in their seats. There are those who squeeze their fists and close their eyes because they are afraid of landing. There are those who have their faces glued to the windows. They want to see everything! Others count minutes till they can finally turn their phones on and call or text or swipe their Instagram accounts. I imagine the flight attendants rushing up and down the aisle to pick up garbage, check for seat belts.  Clearly the vacations are over! There is a moment of silence. Only the humming of the engines smoothly sings their song. Everything on board stops for a moment. The buildings of the airport appear in the windows of the plane. Finally, there is a thump of the wheels on the pavement and squeaking of the walls. Hallelujah! People can breath again. They all are where they have been meant to be, on the ground! What a moment! Quick second later you can hear some unbuckling of the seat belts despite the warnings from the flight attendant. Ready! Set! Go! People begin to call their relatives and friends. Others get ready for the immigration check.

Every time I land I take a moment to think of that time when Papa Giovanni Paolo II came back to Poland for the first time after being chosen for a pope. He walks down the stairs. His papal white robes float in the wind. He kneels down and kisses the ground. I want to do it every time I land.

Iguana Island, Palm Tree. January, 2019.

But for me, looking from the front seat of a moving vehicle on the highway, this is just a big shiny machine, airborne, unfolding its feathers to land. At first a small dot in the air, then a short line with a light on it, finally, a machine with engines and wings. The point of view is everything!

Happy New Year! It is good to be back on the ground!