My Fat Cat

Every time I am home, I think about travelling. But every time I am at some hotel while travelling I think about being home with my fat cat. She sets very clear boundaries. No hugging. Don't move too fast and too close to her. But when the evening comes she sits down next to me on the sofa and lets me pet her. She loves to be rubbed on her stomach, her fluffy beige patch. She then flips onto her back and while purring, she intermittently extends and bends her front paws. She relaxes me. She calms me down. She makes me feel the coolest and the most powerful being in the world. She inspires and motivates to create. She participates in my yoga and meditation practice. As the best in the family would, as the best friend would. She understands everything. She knows when I need her support. She knows when to walk away. Occasionally scratches the beep out of the sofa...preferably, incredibly early in the morning.

Tatara Triptic, 2019

Although, I feed her and take care of her needs, I am not 100 percent sure who takes care of whom. She makes me feel needed when I feel lonely, she brings a smile to my face when I need a cheer, she purrs when I need to know that it will be ok.

When I come back home from a travel, she lets me hear it. When she hears my voice in the front door she starts! She meows like she wants to say, "where the hell have you been! Do I have to do everything in this home!" Then she lays down by my head and purrs all night long till its time to wake up and open a fresh can of SHEBA in a flavour of seafood pate to be specific!

I am convinced that cars have been put on this planet to take care of us and keep this world a better place. Cheers to all cat lovers!

Hello! Would You Buy A Zodiac Sign?

Today, my very good friend and I went out to the world to sell some of my art that has been in the dark corners of my studio for way too long. I took out my 12, well 11 Zodiac signs and went  downtown Toronto to see how it would sell. At first, we sat in front of the City Hall where I thought I would meet with some connoisseurs of the souvenir world, the tourists. I am one from time to time and I know I'd rather choose to buy original art over any piece of plastic produced in China any day! Therefore, with a great confidence and a pure heart I went out to the world.

Zodiac Sign Collection

Some smiled and passed by. Some knelt before my art and scratched their beards in a deep, deep thought. Some politely declined. One stopped and said that she didn't understand in Japanese. I jumped right in and explained to her the theme of my drawings. Unfortunately the one she wanted was sold on Saturday. Only one pretended not to see us when we said hello. There is hope!

Today On The Subway

Hurry! Hurry! We got to the bottom of the stairs at the subway platform. Yes! We made it to the train that has just arrived. We entered through one entrance but got to the other in search of a free seat for my son. We spotted one next to a big black man who took the out seat. My son politely said "Excuse me" a few times but with no result. I repeated but the man didn't even move. I noticed he couldn't hear us because he had earphones. I gently tapped him on the shoulder and repeated "Excuse me".

Moldavian Babushka, July 2019

The tall, muscular man turned slightly backwards to entirely face me, took out his earphones. But still didn't move his knees to let me son to the inner seat. He swung his arm even further back and now his face was looking right at me. "And where will you be sitting", I heard. Right away I thought that he was one of those fanatics that think kids should give up their seats to their parents even though their parents feel strong and capable and comfortable enough to stand up. That was my immediate thought but he made it clear for me very quickly. I answered that i am just perfectly fine standing up but if he could only let my son  in that would be splendid. His sharp and unapproachable face lit up and he became a nice stranger. "Oh I see!", he said with a smile, " I though you wanted me to give up my seat", he added opening up some space for my son to get to the seat. He loosened up and said "Thank you!" while smiling at me. At the same time my knees when soft on me and I went numb with a very uncomfortable feeling. Very, very uncomfortable feeling.

I am

I bought a book today from the Self-Help section. In the first pages it is asking me to contemplate on who I am. Here I go then! I pour out my heart in front of you. And when you are reading this, ask yourself the same question. Contemplate. Who knows what you might discover and learn from it! Find all the labels you have been putting on yourself.

Atlas, June 13, 2019

First and foremost, I am a mother. I will be a mother forever and a day. With pleasure. With love. With dedication. With sacrifice. Firmly, yet lovingly, a mother first!

Secondly, I am an artist. I began as an artist in my mother's womb and I will die an artist. Then, I lay down in my coffin as an artist. Gentle and strong, extravagant and economical, eccentric and timid, rebellious and compliant. Always with a fragile and loving heart turned towards people and this earth.

Thirdly, I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am yours to share love and compassion. Just make sure you don't hurt me. I am fragile. In words of Julia Roberts, "I am just a girl asking you to love me!" I need peace and harmony to glow and grow. My ways and my words might fail me sometimes but I only have love for you in my heart!

This is who I am today. I am satisfied and happy the way I turned out. Could have been worse! Acceptance is part of our self-love. Self-love creates love for others. Love for others is success.
I accept. I am.

Peace and Harmony, my friends!

Bicycle Day Memory

Last week, on June 3rd, some of us celebrated a Bicycle Day. On the radio they were asking people if they remembered their first bikes. I heard some stories from famous and not so famous people. It made me think about my first bike. And now I want you to reminisce about your first bike.

Hummingbird, May 2019

I am the youngest of three kids, that means that I rarely had new things of my own. My only defence was that I was the only girl my parents had, so they were forced to buy me new furniture, new clothes, new toys, new school supplies. I had some serious hand-me downs from my two older brothers. I remember, my beaten up record player, my accordion, and yes, my first bike. It was not entirely my own bike. I could change and adjust its seat height all I wanted when my brothers were not using it. Everything else belonged to my older brothers. This bike was old, used up, painted dark green not because my brothers loved that colour. It was an old bike which they had bought second hand from one of our neighbours. And that ugly dark green colour was there because that was the only available paint they had. So there was my bike. The one on which my parents learned to let go of me for the first time. Their only daughter, their youngest, their baby was independent from that first moment I learned to lift my feet off the ground to pedal, to propel ahead.

I always felt I had the ugliest bike of all my girlfriends. They had nice blue or red bikes with big wheels and new steering handles. But my ugly dark green bike had two small wheels, two pedals, and still got me where I wanted to be. So don't dread about what you have, but how it serves you. I was young at the time and didn't understand the wisdom behind it. I guess I am slowly growing up.

Memories Lost But Some Things Remain

I don't remember the address from my childhood. What's left is the image of the second entrance, fourth floor on the left. 16 years of my life is reduced to that knowledge. Ulica Matejki. Street decorated with a name of one of the Polish greatest painters. My street. Chestnuts on the sidewalk.

I don't remember my classmates' names from elementary school. Lots of stressed and worried but well dressed for the photo day kids. And the corner of the photo is ignorantly cut out. I remember cutting it out because there was a photographer's assistant who made it to my class picture! I still feel he ruined it for us!

I don't remember the names of streets I walked with my friends on cool evenings of summer vacation days. We would cross my little town back and forth looking for other friends or free plum that just fell of trees along side walks.

I don't remember the colours of Polish Golden Autumn. I crossed that park a millions of times coming back from high school. Picked leaves and chestnuts, chased red squirrels, cried with rain. That's where my friend and i concocted a plan to go to Acting School after finishing Maturity Exam. Fate had it planned differently.

I don't remember the smells from my mom's pre-Easter kitchen. I do remember how busy she was before. She baked and cooked for an army, but there was only four of us.

Sunflowers in Spain, March 2019

I remember the first bite into that "cream ice cream". I purposely say cream and not vanilla, because there was no vanilla in my childhood ice cream, but boy! What an amazing ice cream it was. Looked like butter, wrapped in silver paper with a sign "Lody Smietankowe".

I remember my neighbours doing spring cleaning. Massive amounts of people on their balconies obsessively washing windows, their kids beating on carpets to get rid of dust, ladies washing hallways on all fours.

I remember the smell of the bookstore at the end of August. Full of all fresh notebooks, erasers, pencils, markers, bristol boards. Otherwise half empty most of the year. Full of unwanted, sad school supplies. and bored sales-ladies hanging over the counters.

I remember being mesmerised by simple decorations on church Christmas trees. They would sparkle and give out silvery flashes of light as they turned in the mix of cold and hot air of the Midnight mass. And me sitting in a pew. I wore my burgundy corduroy pants that had been sent to me from my cousins from Canada. I felt like a million bucks!

Some things I must let go to remember some things. I try to hold on to them as if I was a hawk coming back to the nest with a nice catch of a still moving, fresh flesh. It is precious and life giving.
One of the memories is this painting. Once upon a time my husband and I crossed Spain on our bicycles. I still have a lot of memories that linger on and wait for me to work up the courage to get them out into the daylight and come to your monitor. I remember how we cycled around many gorgeous sights. Sunflowers, lots of them. Farms and olive trees, black pigs, sheep shepherds and their dogs, storks. Hot and dry air. Lots of sun. Not a drop of rain. And in the distance, whenever we stopped to look back was always something to take our breaths away. Views to be painted. Views to be written about. This one I carried in my memory for almost 14 years.

Would I Do the Same?

Finally, it is Saturday. My son and I just finished shopping for our family movie night tonight. We call it a party and it is a big family tradition. And now we are standing in a line up by the cash register to pay for our brie cheeses, Polish hams, pickled cucumbers and other goodies. We try to stay away from chips and other processed foods for the sake of my endless diets.

Blue Crosses and Dots, 2019

In the line up I make a small conversation with a nice lady behind me about the things she is buying. I see on the register belt nice chocolates and a few very nice boxes of tea. I ask about the tea because I am not sure if they are tea boxes or tea holders shaped like very fancy king crowns. I personally think they are very cool-looking and would make amazing gifts. It is my turn to pay. I bag carefully all our items as my son passes them to me all arranged according to their weight. The cashier turns to me and gives me my total. I make a payment by tapping and slowly get ready to lift the bag and leave. Suddenly I hear my son, "Mama! it has been declined". Whaaaaat! Can't be! I am ashamed, puzzled and crazy angry, all at the same time. All my blood rushes to my feet. I cant see anything. I want to curl up in a small ball and disappear. Damn! Quickly, with the last sane thought I call my husband to clarify what happened. Ahhhhaaa! We can't transfer any funds in the account til tomorrow! OK, by now I am all red, burning with shame. The store is busling with crowds of shopper. I am sure they are all watching me! What do I do?? I left all my other cards home. Today of all days I took only my phone. Why? I ask myself! I really don't know what to do? I don't want to leave all my stuff here because this store is too from home. I won't get another chance til next week to get these treasures! I decide to lose my mind and claim sanity!!

Then, just then and only then, there is a voice. Don't worry about a thing, I will pay for you. The voice comes out of the nice lady's lips that is in a hurry to buy her chocolates and tea holders in a shape of king's crowns. I look at the monitor. It is $24.09. This is no gum! Really? No! I can't let her! Really? She pays for everything and leaves me speechless. I observe her face, study her. I want to know if she is for real? Who is this person? Where is she from? $24.09 is not a dollar or two! I let it happen and at that same moment regain my hearing, feeling, sight and mind! I can't thank her enough. IN FACT, how do you thank someone for such a selfless act? Just how? The only thing I can think of is to ask her for her phone number to keep in touch. She doesn't hesitate to share her information. That's it! I knew it! She is an archangel I read about last night. I hear they can take a human form to help people in their hour of deep distress. I kid you not, I was in distress. I cannot compare it to a moment when you run away from a chasing you Bengal Tiger, nevertheless, the distress was very close!

Moments after this terrible event, I am driving away in my friends car thinking how possibly I can give her back her money, so that she never losses the goodness in her heart and faith in people. I text her to share her email address. As soon as it is possible Irina will get her e-transfer. I thank her a few more times and send her big red heart. She texts back, "You don't need to thank me. You would do the same." I sit there with the phone in my hand thinking if I know any other expressions for "Thank You."

I have no doubts I met an archangel. She saved me. She taught me a lesson how to love people. She made me think if really I would do the same. Now yes! for sure!

Human Kindness in 2019

So it's Wednesday. I decide to walk for an hour and a half to get to the newest Japanese store. I walk and I slide all through sharp wind and icy temperature. I keep going but every time I pass a frozen bus stop I turn around to see if there is a bus in vicinity. Nope. I pass a couple of bus stops where people waiting for the bus look like pigeons in the cold. All bunched up together, hooded heads hiding in their shoulders, waiting in silence and with patience. I have no patience in this weather, I keep walking.

Shakespeare, Ontario, 2019

I walk as far as the path takes me. It ends at the construction of the new subway system. They closed off the pedestrian side walk. I must cross the street. From here it is only one intersection. My body is warmed up from all the walking but hands are frozen. I can't wait to turn into that driveway. I see the store listings at the plaza. Here it is Momo, my Japanese goods source. Oh! But what's this on the left? An Asian supermarket? Must go in! I am going in! I decide to buy only togarashi, Japanese red pepper and herbs mix, and dashi, soup base. I am all out. Must buy! Three shopping bags later I exit the supermarket, all happy and sweaty from all the excitement! Finally I don't have to go to far ends of the city to get all this stuff! I walk out to finally face Momo. However, as I am getting closer, I see that the parking lot is suspiciously empty. There is another lady with me who just pulled up with her black SUV. She looks very happy and warm in her long fur-looking coat. I take a look at her because she is a beautiful lady maybe in her fifties. She looks very well taken care of. Her blond her cut in a bob suits her so well. She has a very gentle, lady-like look.

I pull on the door handle. It doesn't open the door. On the contrary, it bounces back in a protective gesture. Hmmmmm! Shaise! I hear the lady from the car. "It is not open yet! They open at 11." That's it! I walked in this cold all for nothing? But with all this stuff there is no way I can wait in this cold. I make a joke and tell her exactly my plan. She laughs. I see that she is opening the door to her car, so then she will wait. Not me. I pass her car but hear her say something. I am thinking that it is definitely not to me but i turn around anyway. She is talking to me. "If you'd like to sit and wait in my car I will be happy to do that?" OK, now I am blown away from this earth and back. So kind people still live in 2019!! I am ecstatic and if I wasn't so far away from her I would hug her. I kindly decline her amazing offer. I make sure she knows that this was an extraordinary thing to offer to a stranger. I express gratitude with all the expression I have in me.

So little, yet so much! She offered such a small thing to a stranger, to wait in her warm car. Yet, so much, these days. Not too many have the courage these days. I think about it. I ask myself. Would you?

Happy New Year 2019, my dearest and the loveliest! May it be the best so far for all of us!

All Aboard

At first, I see a small dot in the air. Then, a short line with a light on it. Finally, it becomes clear when it is making its last turn with the landing gear out. I imagine all the people aboard twitching in their seats. There are those who squeeze their fists and close their eyes because they are afraid of landing. There are those who have their faces glued to the windows. They want to see everything! Others count minutes till they can finally turn their phones on and call or text or swipe their Instagram accounts. I imagine the flight attendants rushing up and down the aisle to pick up garbage, check for seat belts.  Clearly the vacations are over! There is a moment of silence. Only the humming of the engines smoothly sings their song. Everything on board stops for a moment. The buildings of the airport appear in the windows of the plane. Finally, there is a thump of the wheels on the pavement and squeaking of the walls. Hallelujah! People can breath again. They all are where they have been meant to be, on the ground! What a moment! Quick second later you can hear some unbuckling of the seat belts despite the warnings from the flight attendant. Ready! Set! Go! People begin to call their relatives and friends. Others get ready for the immigration check.

Every time I land I take a moment to think of that time when Papa Giovanni Paolo II came back to Poland for the first time after being chosen for a pope. He walks down the stairs. His papal white robes float in the wind. He kneels down and kisses the ground. I want to do it every time I land.

Iguana Island, Palm Tree. January, 2019.

But for me, looking from the front seat of a moving vehicle on the highway, this is just a big shiny machine, airborne, unfolding its feathers to land. At first a small dot in the air, then a short line with a light on it, finally, a machine with engines and wings. The point of view is everything!

Happy New Year! It is good to be back on the ground!

Big Wild Forest Adventure

Do you ever find yourself wondering in the biggest, most diversified and most scenic forest. You enjoy the walk. Admire the trees, the tiniest insects and leaves. You want to absorb all the smells and the wind because it feels so fresh and inviting! Every step that you take you find something breathtaking and astonishing. You want to stop and take it in and remember it. The beauty is overwhelming but it excites you. You want to stay there forever and become part of it. You want to take pictures and invite all your friends to share it with them. I feels like you understand it and it understands your needs. It is quiet when you need it to be quiet. It it still when you need stillness. It is vigorous and ferocious when you need it to be energising and stimulating. You know this forest! Oh! You know it with all its corners and dark burrows.

But all of a sudden, the same forest, makes you feel small. It becomes big. So much bigger than you expected and you feel its stormy power over you. You realise that although you are stepping alone, and that it is only the sound of your two boots crushing those leaves on the ground, you are not alone! The forest is full of wild and unpredictable animals that lurk behind every tree and bush. They watch you walk. They wait for you to lose your guide. They anticipate the first sign of weakness. They want to close in on you, make you small and scared. You can't blame them. After all they are wild creatures guided by two never-sleeping instincts to procreate and survive. All of a sudden that which gave you so much confidence is forcing you to put your tail between your legs and curl up into a small ball.

But you can't let your fear rule over! You have to remember what your mama always said. Remember? She always said to stand straight and tall with your head up. She said to stay true and honest. And most of all "KEEP DOING YOUR    THING!" Keep doing your thing. Do you thing!

November 11, 2018

Happy Birthday to my dear mother in law who is celebrating her 21st birthday! For all your smiles, tears and time invested in us!And let's celebrate all mothers who always tell us what to do, and rightly so, it is always a good advice!

Friday Morning Melancholy

I wake up on a rainy Friday morning. Get my son ready for school. We have a relaxing breakfast together at our cozy kotatsu, Japanese heated low table. We talk and argue as usual. Shortly after my son screams out that it is time for him to go and he disappears into the yellow bus and my working day begins. But not today. Today, I have a slight melancholy in my throat. I decide to sit down for a moment for my the second cup of coffee. Oh yes! The soul rejoices. It was a good choice! Oh but what is this? I have a melody, a bunch of elegantly clustered notes under my skull. It doesn't let me go! I turn on the computer and decide to search. I found it! And as soon as the voices sing "Bedziemy smucic sie starannie, bedziemy szalec nienagannie, bedziemy na przod nieslychanie..."  (We will be saddened carefully! We will be crazy to the perfection! We will push forward incredibly!) I am sold! There will be no house work done, no art work fulfulled! This is what fills my heart and soul! Stare Dobre Malrzenstwo!

If you are not Polish I don't blame you for not knowing the author of this poem nor the group that made this song almost an anthem of my young days.  I sang, quoted, and breathed this poem. Although very real and very sad, the words gave me strength and hope to move mountains. Such a small song yet leaves me paralysed that all I can do is sit there and think about my first year in high school where I met my good friend. We would walk around proudly with our guitars in order to find a perfect, secluded spot to play and sing our hearts out. We would usually find refuge in the staircases or empty hallways. Sitting down on the cold floor we would sing in two parts Stachura's poems. As we grew more unaware and more passionate about the words and melody, more people would pass by to listen. Oh my! It felt as if we had wings!! And even though a lot of people would not understand the strange language they asked what the songs were about. We would break our minds trying to translate and explain Stachura. But he is unexplainable! You must feel him. The measly translation that I did of his two sentences in the first paragraph of this post is hardly any translation. His poems are feelings. And very often immense feeling of sadness, loneliness, disappointment, yet there is so much power, love, sweetness and reality!

I felt so lucky to find a friend in Canada who would share my passion for the good old melancholy of a broken poet and his words. And now, when I am sitting here listening to it again with refreshed melancholy I think some kind of lack of something that leaves me with a hole all through my heart. I am trying to sing along with Stare Dobre Malrzenstwo, but I can't keep up. My thoughts and feelings rush through me like a crazy river. I choke on the words and brake down with sadness for something that is gone, something that has passed so fast that I almost missed it. Even for the black leather winter boots with a flower ornament at the front. (My friend knows what I am talking about)But even more so for the broken poet. Loved by all but understood by no one! He wrote down his empty spot in the heart so wonderfully that it cost him his life.

So this is what my rainy Friday looks like. I put on another album and sit some more in contemplation...I am so glad it came back to me today. What makes you stop your day and think?What makes you stop?

On Not Having Time

Once I heard a sermon about people saying that they have no time. The priest heavily criticised those who are saying it with regards to visiting their elderly, spending time with their children, praying/meditating, participating in causes that help others. I hear this expression so often that i think it has become our daily mantra, or if i can put it in more negative light, our daily mental venom. But do we really have no time? If I ask about the latest episode of America Can Dance or whatever is in right now, I would get a detailed answer about the recent developments. Therefore, it is not that we have no time for ourselves or our families. It is a matter of organisation and priorities, as my nephew rightly stated. I will just add that it is also about the will of doing it. We don't have time for things that are not important to us or of low priority. So stop and think, what activities surround your day?

We all have time. We just need to stop for breath and answer ourselves what is important to us. To me the world could be swept by a tsunami and the crevices in the crust of the Earth could be swallowing Downtown Toronto but my family is my absolute Number 1. There is always time for them. In fact to be to be a good person means to be able to dedicate myself to them and their well being. They complete me, they make me, they will always stand by me. A lot of peace and trust comes from this statement. After all there is only here and now! It is continuous or maybe infinite.

My One and Only, September 2018

And this recent piece I painted is reflecting that exact thought. I have finally finished my triptych. The family is now complete. I found time for that with pleasure!

Zdanowicz Family, 2018

If you or your family members need a portrait, please let me know. It makes an incredible gift for a birthday or anniversary. I am available and will paint a portrait in one week. I have very reasonable prices and will paint from a picture to save your time and make it easier if you are planning a surprise. I will ship your painting for additional price depending on the shipping rates.

Love and hugs! Don't forget! YOU HAVE TIME FOR EVERYTHING!

Every Mother Must Let Go

As many mothers before and many after me I have got a chance to taste this bitter flavour of letting go of a hand of my one and only son. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought that I would hold his hand forever and that he would proudly hold mine forever. But this year, on the first day of school, as we walked I saw that, although my son didn't say anything, he skillfully and tactfully avoided my hand. I didn't press for it nor I said anything. I simply put my arm around him, as if I was looking for support from him. I tried to have a fruitful conversation with him while my mind was fully preoccupied with the feeling of letting go of my baby boy and greeting of a teenage boy.

Grieving, I came back home and went straight to the kitchen drawer where I kept all the bento boxes, utensils and lunch boxes. I went through it and got rid of all dishes that had childish images. I didn't want to embarrass him. It came to me very naturally and in a very calm and contained manner. I wasn't hurt or sad. Just calm. Quiet. Aware and clear-minded. I have to admit, I had it going longer than some other mothers I have talked to. I was lucky. I am grateful for this extra time. I wonder how it was for my mamma. She had to let go of three children. Our age difference is so big that to me it seems she got to grieve three times. First, she let go of her oldest son and let him go away to a foreign country. Then, she had to leave her middle child behind in Poland when she left for Canada. Then, me, her only daughter. And I think I went with a big bang. She probably felt that her daughter would stay under her wing forever, when bang! I eloped. Then, another bang! I moved to Japan! Yikes!My mother is my hero! My hat is off! It is so interesting how your perspective changes as you become a parent yourself.

Donkey Smile, 2008. 122 x 91 cm

While we are talking about letting go of our children I would like to say that I am letting go of a few of my favourite paintings. They are my babies and they have hang on my walls a very long time. I think it is time to let them go and face the big, great world, and adorn other people's lives. So please let me know if you are looking for a painting for your walls. But first go two of my older babies. Price is negotiable. I will ship even to Antarctica if that is where you live.

Twirling World, 2008. 122 x 91 cm

Perception

Two gorgeous and glamorous women are taking a ride in the countryside. They are there to drink, smell, see and feel that which is missing from the city life. And they feed their senses to the fullest with the sight of horses feeding on grass on the right and the picture of bright colours, ripening corn on the left. There is nothing better than putting that roof down and feeling the wind in their hair, getting kissed by the sun of the dying summer. The senses are being fed, their bodies are growing younger, their minds are notoriously being refreshed!

Jezus Nauczal

The two friends are getting noticed for their purposefully silly and insane glasses. Both have strong black frames reminding of cat's eyes. One friend has light blue lenses, the other bright pink. Purposefully insane serves a purpose. Fulfilled well, understood even better by the participants. They are glamorous so they must act glamorously eccentric.

They pass a small historic church on the left. They both notice a big wooden cross right beside it. The cross has a cloth hang over it the way it's done during lent. In fact, exactly that way. They notice that it is in no way close to lent. So why then? This is not the right time to symbolise Christ's death and resurrection! It's summer time! Time to be merry! One diva says: "There must be another meaning since it is blue!" Her friend quickly replies,"No! It is violet!" They look at each other, then take off the glasses to confirm...

I got on the subway going west. As usually, I looked around in search of interesting faces, behaviours, fashion statements tattoos, pets, even pet bottles. I love watching people in crowded places because they always behave as if no one's ever watching. Some pick their noses, fix their bras, make faces, etc, etc.

To my left there were two older ladies sitting on the designated, blue seats. Now, what a pleasant sight it was to see them. They were dressed almost identically. White pants, colourful, flowery tops, nice jewellery and one of them had these amazingly large black shades. Large but still not large enough to hide the entire face. She was the one in charge. She acted more informed and more bossy. She would tell the other, the lady with long white wavy hair set in 1950's Hollywood style, all the details about the next station, what one cold find there, and on which side of the train the door would open. They were chatting away. It showed they were very excited about something. My mind wondered. "Are they going shopping? Are they getting some hula dance lessons? Are they going to the movies? Better yet, are they heading to the theatre? Or maybe they are meeting some old girl friends after a very long time?" Oh gosh! It is so exciting to think...

T Shirt No. 17, Dancing Inukshuk, 2018

 Just before Yonge station the bossy, but still very friendly and protective lady leaned over to my side and enquired about the doors openning at Yonge. "Yonge at heart!", I thought to my self looking at her with a smile and answered, "it will open on the left". Immediately, the bossy lady stood up using her cane but only to help her girl friend up from her seat. The lady with the large dark glasses showed signs of such friendly, motherly over-protectiveness. I loved it. I wondered if the other lady saw this protective side of her friend or did she think it was not necessary, even annoying. I just loved it. These two ladies were a living image of what you read about on Facebook sometimes. You know what I am talking about, two or three old ladies sitting in the most bizarre places laughing and smoking cigarettes or performing activities specific to youngsters in teenage years.

As the train stopped, the two old standing ladies swayed on their feet holding each other tight and protecting from falling. What a lovely sight. Their bodied clinging to each other, white pant to white pant, flowery shirt to flowery shirt. When you think about it... was it some kind of prerequisite to wear these to get in? Some secret society? I digress. This short trip made me think of one friend of mind and me...hmm. Are we going to be like that in thirty years? I can only hope so! Right away I took out my phone and texted my friend that I saw us in 30!! I was so excited that I had to let her know right away even though I knew I would keep her away from her busy desk...

I am so lucky to have a friend who will hold my hand when that train jerks to stop. For you I will wear white pants with flowery shirt any day!! Hell! I will even wear too large eye wear and a cane! Just say the word!

Hugs my friends! Stay happy and friendly, my loves!!

Lesson in Compassion

Today I spent a day with my son's class on a field trip to the farmer's market. After registering at the school's office as a volunteer I went to the classroom. There was a big sign on the wall. Three words, compassion, respect, thoughtfulness. My son and I have been discussing the first one very often because I believe it is very important to have it in order to have a healthy relationship with others. This quality takes the longest for kids to "get" and apply in their behaviour. So I was very happy to see that word in my son's classroom.

We walked to the market. The teacher walked at the front on the flock and I watched the back so that none of the sheep got lost. It was a true pleasure. I landed with two boys who involved me in a small talk about soccer and the currently going on  FIFA 2018 World Cup in Russia. It was a true pleasure indeed! After a 10 minutes walk, we arrived at the market in front of the East York Civic Centre. There were many tents with fruit and vegetables. There were a few with honey, food and other homemade, organic products. I gave my son $6, other kids had much more money, but I thought it would be just the right amount. Before we dispersed, the teacher told each and every child to put away in a safe pocket their money and pointed to the meeting place at one of the picnic tables. Perfect but only in theory. After 10 minutes we already had one child crying about lost money. We both went on an expedition searching for $10 but with no success. Unbelievable happened next. The teacher took out $5 and gave it to the crying boy! By this time I loved her like never before! She was clearly demonstrating what she preached! She could have just given him a pep talk and let him sit at the picnic table but she felt his pain...she treated him like one of her kids indeed!

After taking a few rounds around the market and wondering between the stalls of aromatic strawberries and apples I decided to head to the picnic table. Immediately, I found myself in a company of  my son's classmates. They boght hot dogs and smoothies and sat down with me for Soccer Talk II. The kids started showing up at the table one after the other. One was there with his head down and a long face. The kids started talking.

"How come you are not walking around anymore?"
"I have no money."
"Oh....hmm...do you want half of my hot-dog?"
"Help yourself to my smoothie." offered the other boy
"No, that's embarrassing."
"I can buy you a hot dog. I still have some money left."
"OK"

Tshirt No. 1

It was a pleasure to be there. My face lit up. Compassion and caring at it's best! A group of 10 year olds, yet their hearts were bigger than CN Tower! They really inspired me. They taught me so much. They gave me hope for a better world. I took out the last of my change and gave it to the other sad boy with no money. Then the kids started giving each other money so that the ones that had some left overs but got enough shared with those who had little and wanted to buy a little something more. It was a matter of pennies but to them it meant so much. It shaped their experience at the farmer's market. It shaped them. I had only one regret that I didn't have more cash on me. These kids were amazing! I am very glad my son goes through school with them. I will cherish this day for a very long time! Oh! Do you want to ask what they bought when they got that extra from their peers? Each kid came back as a proud owner of a pot of basil or mint! Doesn't your face just smile in content for the future generations!!?

What an amazing and inspiring day it was! Compassion in big flashing neon letters!! My son and I walked back home. I held his hand and we talked. " How come you didn't tell me that you already new and practised compassion in your class! That picnic table was filled with compassionate people, darling! I am so proud of you all! Ms. J must be too!" I watched my son walking much taller all of a sudden...

Tribal Memories

" Come On, Ewa! Try it!"

"No way! I will not have anything to do with it!"

"Come on! This could be your first and last chance to try it!"

" Nope! I don't care for it"

"But if I try it why don't you? It won't kill you!"

"Nope! I think I will live in peace with myself if I don't for the rest on my life."

He takes his shot of vodka with cobra's blood and drinks it! Our Son is cheering on with excitement, "COBRA! コブラ-だ!" I take one look at my husband and quickly swallow the shot as it hits my throat like a Sigismund Bell at Wawel Cathedral!

Ladies and gentlemen. This is my tribe, my people. They make me go beyond borders, they make me want to live forever. They stimulate my mind and my soul. They cheer me on to try new things and to peek at what is beyond the box! The more I think about moments like that they gave me, the more I want my heart to beat in my chest, the more air I want to inhale in my lungs, the more blood I want  in my veins. And Since I have drunk the blood of cobra, I feel I have the strength of an ox to pull this wagon forever! And if they ask me to go with them to the end of the world, I will say yes! It is worth it!

Who is your gang? 

Each Day Closer to God

Just Recently I was getting ready for the long weekend escapade up north. As I was walking to the store to get the last of the shopping for the trip, I slipped away into the world of meditation and prayer. My mind wondered between pages of the bible and prayers for protection. I stopped and thought that it reminded me of my mother. It reminded  me of the times when we would all get in the car to drive away into the bliss of family trips. And as soon as the car motor would start to sing its song of freedom, my mama would make a sign of the cross and start her "Hail Mary..." And of course we all would make fun of her that she was overreacting and old fashioned. My brothers and me would laugh and ridicule, but down deep inside I think, there was a lot of gratitude that she was doing it. It made us feel safe, secure and loved, even though non of us would admit to it at that time.

On that day I caught a picture of myself doing exactly the same as my mama. Why? I wonder. Is is because as I age? Is it because I feel mortal and the bliss of invincibility is fleeting away through my fingers as I age? Or is it because I am glancing through a looking glass of a mother and want to protect all that I love, and all that I love is in that car! So I pray! And as a mother I am ready to jump into a flaming building,  I am ready to sell my soul for all the ones that I love? Another explanation is that as I am getting older, like my mama, I am getting closer to God. Rising beyond daily affairs, earthly adventures. And my reliance on the extra-super-unbelievable presence in my life is exploding with time. The need to know that there is something else in this world. The idea that this great, omnipotent and omnipresent God who protects us is there for us keeps us sane and relaxed. So the image comes to mind. We are like hot air balloons. We are heavy on the ground pretty grounded and stable but then we rise up to the skies and hope for the better, wider view than we see from the ground. We hope that once we rise to the baby blue abyss, there is something amazing awaiting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeR7KqdRunc

You might think that this post is melancholic and even sad. Please don't think that. I think it is full of hope and miraculous prognosis. If anything, I feel a tremendous Love with a big bright L!
Happy Friday my friends!

Brother Can You Spare a Bite?

On a slippery Monday afternoon I took a subway home at Dufferin Station. I got on a fairly empty train but still there were no suitable seats available. I looked around and there was that nook available where the train operator has his/her booth. I leisurely leaned on the walls and looked out the first car front door how the train tracks snaked left and right and lit up at each station.  Suddenly, people tensed up as a tall youngish man entered the train and the smell of poverty permeated every inch of the space around me. People always tense up in these situations because they are in general afraid that this person decides to have a conversation with them. Somehow this seems to be the scariest thing for the general population of the "good Christians and believers".

The man quickly started going around with a held out hand. But at the same time I heard, "Can you spare some food?" And this is when I got uneasy. People turned away from him and scattered around a man who was asking for food! I could not believe that this train full of people travelling immediately after lunch hour didn't not carry any crumb of a sandwich or a fruit!!

When the man came to me he was already desperate. He shyly held out his hand and asked for any type of food. His voice was fading when he said, "Please help, I am very hungry". I usually pack a little something to eat after work but rarely remember to eat on the subway. This time I had the most delicious lemon cake that my friend's daughter had baked. This most scrumptious cake I did remember about and had been saving for my trip home.

I looked up from my phone to see this man's hand. His plead for food still resonated in my head.
"You know what? You are going to love this! I have some cut up apple and the most delicious lemon cake!" I was so happy. I don't usually have a lot to give. I am a little person in this vast world. But this time I could give! I wanted to thank this man for giving me an opportunity to be a better person. I took out my lunch container with a big red prince apple cut up in nice squares, took out carefully wrapped lemon cake, made with 7 lemons! And I said "thank you." He thanked me back and quickly sat down on a free by now seat near the exit. The TTC recording announced "Spadina, Spadina Station."

I kept smiling but my thoughts were already at G-7s and G-whatevers that Canada is part of. When are we planning to admit we have a serious problem with poverty!! Why do our politicians think we are the best of the best if a man walks hungry on the streets of Toronto!

I kept smiling, when a light bulb lit up in my head. I reached to my pocket. Yes! Of course! Nobody likes to eat cakes without coffee!!! I took out two coins that were making noise in my pocket and gave it to him. I looked down at my phone again when I felt a hand on my hand. I young black lady who was sitting down smiled at me and moved her head in agreement, as if she was saying, "yes!"  or perhaps "thank you!" Her smile warmed my soul!

What an amazing afternoon it was on that slippery Monday afternoon!! I felt needed. I felt like a person! I felt like a good person!

Friday on King Street Streetcar

What do I see in the morning? I wonder how you see your beginning of each working day. Do you drive and swear that this is the last time your are taking the highway? Do you patiently sit on the subway? Do you extend your elbows on a crowded bus and make space for your feet to keep balance?

Broadview Station. A woman helping a small  Philipino woman to take her shopping buggy down the stairs. People going to work. People coming home from work. Some are really well dressed. Some look like cheap weed dealers. A lot of tired people yawning on the streetcar. Most wish to stay home and dedicate themselves to Netflix or other addictive activities. Snow flakes, snow flakes, wait! Sunshine! Dogs in the park. They are so lucky! Running around carelessly in the morning. Gerrard is always so busy! Bahn me sandwiches must be good there! The squeaky turn from Broadview St. to King. Passing Broadview Hotel. Ah yes! 3D tiles in the bathroom and T-shirt talks! Posh place to have a glass of wine and admire expensive lipsticks! Sushi restaurant right on the corner wouldn't be my first choice to eat there!

In between two buildings there is a small store with a neon sign ordering you to "STOMP" or something along the same lines.  A tall blond is walking into a coffee shop. Is she buying or working there? I like this part of town. Theatres look like sleeping giants in the morning! A stripped black and white dress in a window of a store looks very 1930'. A woman is walking full speed but typing messages at the same time. There are more zombies around King Street. A man in a crispy purple suit, white shirt and a tie just got off at Bay St. stop. No jacket! A homeless sleeping on the ground by St. Andrew church. People swish by his sleeping bag effortlessly texting. A young woman in a big Roots hat is lighting a cigarette. Toronto's Roy Thomson is so majestic. And there is our beloved CN Tower gently peeking out of the skirts of condominiums hiding her base! Yes it is CN Tower forever! You are not going to make me call it any other name!

I am getting closer to work. The landscape and architecture changes. A lot of old factories. Big red brick buildings, old structures full of resident ghosts following people to work. But now we have parquet floors and fancy neoclassic furniture to style our work places. Liberty Village. My stop. I get off and smile because the scene reminds me of the original 1927 black and white movie Metropolis with only difference, this is running in full colour. March 9, 2018.